Tapestry of Life

Everyone needs to be comforted. As an abused child, I hungered to be loved, comforted, and kept safe. And even as an adult, now, I hunger for those things I never received as a child. From age three, when the first personalities were created, they could comfort each other. The Inner Self Helpers provided comfort to all the personalities. And so did the people in the Inner Worlds. The personalities could comfort people they knew. Yet, I never learned to comfort myself, since I hid away for forty-eight years. I can comfort others, yet not provide that for myself.

Comforting the child personalities was difficult, because they were in constant terror. They didn’t understand that the abuse they endured as children was over, because they saw the abuse and relived it all day in flashbacks, and in nightmares at night. To them, it was still going on. My children personalities let me know what they needed to feel safe and comforted. A blanket or a toy often helped. A special teddy bear was very helpful, too.  I tried to take care of my children personalities like I would take care of any child. An icecream cone, a piece of gum, just whatever they let me know they needed. It was important for them to know they did nothing wrong. Being abused was not their fault. They needed to know they were loved by someone. As I began to heal and feel safer, they began to feel safer.

Carrying a small toy in my pocket, helped the little ones feel safer, especially if they had to go anywhere. I had a couple blankets they felt safe with. In fact, I still have them and cover up with them, if I’m having a rough day. For a year, I carried with me, a Stewart Little key chain, with a little, stuffed Stewart Little on it. Nobody questioned why I had it, and everyone thought it was cool. Depending on which child personality was out , I may have an assortment things of things in my pocket- a piece of gum, a favorite rock, a Hot Wheels car, a special coin…Whatever they liked, whatever helped them feel safer, whatever helped them feel not totally alone in the world. Occasionally, I may still carry something in my pocket, if I’m feeling like I used to when specific personalities were out. Partly, out of habit. Partly, out of missing them, and partly out of trying to comfort myself by doing that.

In the two years before my final integrations, my child personalities looked to me to learn alot of things. If I felt safer in a situation, they felt safer. If I stood up for myself, they felt protected. If I was having a rough day, even too scared to go out the door, but I went anyhow, they felt braver . It was like real kids imitating their parents. And they began to learn that things in life really were alright. It was a step by step process.

One of the first three personalities created, was Stevie, a three year old male. He was the strongest one, yet the one most seriously abused. Throughout my life, he spend a good deal of time being out. Whatever any personality went through, he went through it with them or for them. He was extremely protective of all the others, even the adults. He was always comforting the others, and they, in return, comforted him at the same time.

There was one specific personality that the others were afraid of, because she was like “The Mother.” But, in the two years before the final integrations took place, all the personalities started learning to accept each other. They learned they were each created for a specific purpose, and began to appreciate that and each other. I’d been told for years that it would happen that way, but I didn’t believe it until it started happening. And with all those changes taking place, they learned to get along, to comfort and support each other.

It’s been almost a year since I was healed of MPD. Yet, I still need to play through my head, what the personalities would say to me when I need comforted now. I’ve tried not doing that, but then I panic trying to comfort myself on my own. I know the comfort is coming from myself, but if I think about it at the moment, it doesn’t work. The last few days, I’ve been feeling that some of the problem lies in not having the self-esteem and self-confidence. Also, maybe, because through all the abuse, the personalities knew how to comfort each other. But none of the over 200 personalities learned how to comfort themselves individually.

Since being healed of the MPD, I can see the world isn’t the terrifying place I always thought it to be. Now, I can see the smiles on people’s faces and the kindness in their hearts. I went through life, thinking everyone I saw, everyone I was around me- was going to abuse me. And to be totally honest, I still expect that. But that thought isn’t as constant as it used to be.

Fifteen years ago, in my own home, a man tried attacking me. I knew him and let him in, but I didn’t think he would do that. After that, I spent years being terrified of him. But, two years ago, we ended up being at the same place at the same time- face to face. I thought I’d be shaking in my shoes, but I wasn’t. I looked him right in the eyes, glaring at him for a long time. And instead of being scared of him, I felt braver than I ever had. I’d looked him right in the eyes, showing him I wasn’t afraid of him. He didn’t expect that, and at that moment, he could no longer look at me. Instead, he looked down at the ground. And I raised my head higher than it had ever been raised. As I walked away from him, I turned back around to see if he was looking at me. He wasn’t. He was still looking at the ground. All my life, my abusers seemed as big as mountains. But I’ve learned they’re not as big as they seemed.

For abuse survivors, those with dissociative disorders, MPD/DID, the trauma of what we went through still clings to us today. Every thread of everything we have ever been through, has woven a tapestry of our lives. I choose to show my tapestry to all who will look at it. Some will turn their heads and not be able to look at it; not be able to understand. Others will look at it and begin to understand. And others will know fully, what my life has been, what it is now, and what it will become. The tapestry of my life is still being woven, thread by thread.

As children, we survivors had to endure things that no one else could imagine. We saw the world through shattered hearts. We felt every emotion through the shadows of every abuse we ever suffered. Every time we cried, it was years of tears pouring forth  from every wound, unhealed. We hid in the only sanctuary we could find, which was deep within our selves. We would get knocked down, yet rise again. We bruised and we bled, then we endured it all again. We hungered for love and thirsted for joy. Prisoners of abuse, we wore the cloak of scars upon our bodies, our hearts, our minds. Every thread of everything we have ever been through, has woven a tapestry of our lives.

And as in the surviving, so, in the healing, our tapestry is woven, still. Each thread of it tells a story. Each thread of it is a wound, a scar, a healing, a victory. Each thread of it, woven together, makes it stronger. Just as we become stronger through our healings. It is really alright to heal.