The other night,as Debbie went back into hiding, a calm swept over us. We hadn’t felt that calm, and at home within ourselves in more than 30 years. And as it washed over us, some of the recently surfaced personalities- went back into hiding, too. They were just too scared to stay in the outside world. And that night, other alters, hidden for a lifetime, came out. Face to face reunions with strangers I’ve never met. I can’t even begin to describe what it feels like to be someone, and not even know your own name. To not know the other people inside. Or even, some of the people on the outside. To not know where you are- even at home, at times. It’s alot for everyone inside to go through. Some alters know some of the other alters. But some think they are the only one. The memories,as they come, drop us to our knees. And as these alters went back into hiding, and others emerged, the stress and fear ran like a river of overwhelming force. So, then, new alters were also created right then, to help us all hold on through the storm.
Windblown, scattered, shattered,broken. All joining forces to help everyone within. The hidden, the hurting, the strong, the weak. The babies, the children, the teens, and adults. So many….hidden from view.
Yesterday was spent with alot of switching of personalities going on. And losing alot of time, as alters came out on their own for awhile. By the time someone else came out, and they switched, time had been lost and little children alters had done things. No one else had been out with them, to supervise. And I have no knowledge of them being out. These seem to be very young children alters, who had been hidden forever, and just surfaced. Yesterday, was apparently their play day. I was shocked to find the garage door up. Nobody had gone anywhere before then. But a little one must’ve found the opener for it and pushed the button. Another time, I set a box of tissues in the other room. An hour later, it was gone. No trace of it anywhere. Other things had been put in places they didn’t belong.
I can sense these child alters peeking out now, looking around at things that interest them. We always put things in their own place, so they can always be found. It makes it easier to keep track of everything. There is a flurry of activity in my head. It’s always been this way. None of this is anything new. And it’s all manageable. It’s my normal. Strangers and familiar friends come and go all day, in my head. One minute a happy personality is out. The next minute, someone else is crying. Stress does make things worse. But I learned as a child, that I just never knew what was going to happen next. It amazes me- the strength of a multiple. And the frailty. Sometimes all within a matter of a breath.
So many little ones out lately. Afraid no one could love them, if people knew what had been done to them. The worst of it all.Memories always here. In a violent stampede. Memories dripping in fear. Dancing across all we can see. If you could see with your eyes, what we see with our memories…..
Healing comes for us in a different way. In being sheltered; hidden in layers within. For anyone to push for their versions of healing for us, is terrifying. It makes us retreat more. It isn’t healing,at all.
People have expressed concerns about Debbie going into hiding again. It’s better for her. Most people never talked to her or got to know her anyhow. By age 3, she could no longer deal with all life dealt her, and personalities came to take over for her. It stayed this way, til 2.5 years ago, during those huge integrations. Then she was out more. But still, not often. She was always too wounded in life, and by life. While a few personalities do grow older, most stay the same age, as when they are created. So, figure she was between 3-5 years old, still always wounded, trying to deal with an adult life. It was too much.
Healing comes for us, in holding onto each other, within.
Yes, you can still call us Debbie. Most hate the name. Some hate her. Blame her for the abuse done to all of us. But we will still answer to the name Debbie, just like always. To some of us, it’s just the name of the body here. You can talk to us, just like you talked to her. It’s all ok. It’s nothing to worry about or be afraid of. You have already been hearing from other personalities all along, anyhow. You just didn’t know it.
Some people have asked how they can be of support. I guess the biggest way, is to just listen. To whatever alter needs to be heard. I doubt they’d tell you much. But if they do, it means they really trust you. Therapists have always talked to each separate alter like they are separate people. Really, they are. Talk to them, according to whatever age they may be. You don’t talk to a 3 year old, like you would to an adult. The little ones have already been hurt so much. Just a wrong look or a harsh word or pretty much anything could terrify them. Just picture the personalities as individual people in a room. Each one having gone through certain things. Each one with their own memories. Each one with their own likes and dislikes and characteristics.
The little ones are always hurt the most by people’s words and actions. There are certain words they can’t even handle hearing, because abusers said these words while abusing them. Just treat the little ones, like you would treat any small child who has been severely abused and tortured. That helps bring drops of healing.
I will try to explain more in future blog posts. If you have any questions, please feel free to ask. There’s not many books I recommend. But the book closest to my story, is called- “When Rabbit Howls.” I would definitely recommend that book.