Lately, I have spent alot of time stumbling in a fog. In silver blue tears. As they fall into the shadows of who I am. And the little ones have wept like never before. From feelings that,both,wound and heal us, too. During the past two weeks, more personalities from ages ago, have risen from the ashes of memories. Breathing again. And as they have surfaced, more time has been lost. As personalities come out and live their own lives. Causing others to lose an hour here. Five hours there. A day or two- completely vanished. No idea what was said or done by alters, then. As one or another were out all by themselves. No co-consciousness then. Alters saying and writing things I have no memory of. People have been telling me of things I’ve said or written. I have no memory of it. Other times, as alters speak, I hear their words fly out of my mouth. Unable to stop them.
I have been just as lost as the time unaccounted for. Whose body is this, that I am wearing? Who is this old stranger in the mirror?Memories scream out, that aren’t mine. Who do they belong to? Such atrocities done to them! I never went through any of that. I feel nothing. I am lost. Wrapped in the company of alters. Come- Joshua and Jordan. Viper and Venom. Lijah, Eli, Lindsay Greenwood, Cody, Katie, Christian, Summer, White Bear and little No. Come- Becca, Daniel. I thought Lacy integrated three years ago, but she is still very much here. And four year old Noah came out of hiding last week. He tries so hard to understand and do everything just right. More hidden little ones have been peeking out. Ready to make themselves known. We are beginning to feel whole within each other, now. The Hated. The Hurting. The Hopeless. The Numb. And forever- The Outcasts. Come to paint who they are- with the color of their wounds. Come to be known. To be healed.
As memories of all the wounded warriors within me- play out. As personalities are becoming courageous enough to live their own lives again, individually. And out of my view. Pages of my life turn silently behind my back. Into the unknown. But, healing has been raining down, the past two weeks. And I am speechless by it’s wonder. Healing has come as the simplest gifts. That have grown into the biggest blessings. Like bandages on my soul. Healing is coming in the form of friends. In the gentle touch of a hand. In being defended. A tender word spoken. Laughter shared. A smile that makes the world feel safer. Time spent together. In person. In a message. In a call. It has been like filling a dried out sponge with an entire rainstorm. And the rainstorm is bringing healing. A downpour.
Healing has come by a friend sending emails. Understanding and accepting us. The wisdom that God has given her- astounds me. She cares about all of my alters. She treats my little ones like they are her own children. This has brought others inside- close to letting her get to know them, too. For my alters to open up to anyone, is a giant hurdle conquered. A milestone in healing. To be able to release their secrets. To feel comfortable to let people see them and their vulnerability- is pure freedom. And it feels like I am flying.
Healing has come through another friend, who is getting to know my alters. She can tell when my personalities switch. And who is who. She talks to each one, as they come to talk to her. One young alter didn’t know their own name. So this friend named her “Sunshine.” They love that name. And by a friend taking the time to give them a name- was very healing. This friend has been reaching out to my little ones, too. One way has been by reading bedtime stories to them. There is sanctuary in those stories. In that safe time. In the time spent. The little ones feel safe enough to come out and listen to those stories. To listen to someone talking to them. Each alter has been offered friendship. An ear to listen. Freedom to be themselves. A chance to play. Some- come unhindered. Others are close to talking. For them to be acknowledged. Accepted. To not have to hide and be scared as they learn to trust. Is freedom.
A freedom we have never known. A song never heard before. This song from heaven. To bring healing. In so many ways. I sit at it’s table. Hungry. I fall into it’s waters. Thirsty. Fill me now. Gently, I soar on the winds of a new day. There’s no going back now. So carry me on. Through the kindness of others. The peace that has comes- soothes. The tears that need to fall- do. Trust has begun it’s birth. Deeply hidden secrets are released. Finally. Slowly. As pain allows. Free from the bondage of silence. Flying now. Riding an updraft. Arms wide open to receive. A miracle playing out. We soar. As we see Jesus in others. As we see Him looking at us through the eyes of friends. In love. Unconditional. I feel free. As healing breathes in me.