Warning: This blog may cause triggers for survivors.
Silence on the outside has led to mighty storms within. And in the silence- cries and screams,like no others before, have been set free from the depths of my soul. Let loose from the chains that held them tight. Weeping,soothing in my veins. Dreams, a blanket to hold me through the night.Music strums. While yesterday remains lodged like a tree in my wounds. Unspoken words. Unheard voices craving to be heard. Rising to the surface. Drenched in tears. Reaching out.
Words have not come easy. I knew, deeper in my soul than I have ever been before, that brokeness was stirring dust. Rust was falling off barbed wire fences. And then they rose. One by one. An army of many. Hidden away like so many others before them.Another layer of personalities rode out from the midnight of the past. The trail,not an easy one. Like being in childbirth for years. Sweat, and dirt-covered memories fall at my feet. This army, led by the One who watches over them.The One who knows them all.And loves them all, the same. He is here.
Tumbling out of their shelter- I meet them.Some for the very first time, our hearts meet. Some, never given a name. Felt worthless and ashamed. And the One who loves them, brought two friends to give them names. Tater was named the other day. A little one. Always alone. Now, has found a home, in this name. That someone would care enough to give them the gift of a name- has begun this miracle of healing in them.
There is a very small child alter, who endured the worst remembered yet. The one, whose screams and cries rise ten thousand miles high. Aching to let it out. Aching to be heard. These screams and cries like a cornered animal, in fear and pain. The only name they have ever known. “Animal.” Between how they felt and what was done to them. They have never felt human.Then yesterday, another friend prayed for all inside. And she asked if “Animal” liked the name “Blessing.” And said they would be a real blessing as they start to heal and know the Lord. Time froze. Renamed. Unble to accept it yet. Looking at it far away. “Animal” still sounds a fitting name. To afraid to touch a name as nice as “Blessing.” Yet, brave enough to look at it. A whisper of healing begins in them.
Through the people who made us feel ashamed.Embarressed, at times, of those inside. Over the years. Fear held us captive more. Made us afraid to be who we are. To say what we need to say. To allow us to heal in the way we need to heal.To help us feel safe. But on this journey now, He often speaks of giving us all our voice. Releasing us from the pounding silence. Releasing us to rise. Rise.
Torn between the immeasurable pain of holding each one back. Or immeasurable fear of what people will think of my giving everyone flight. Like an eagle. On the wind. To let them soar. Let them know the freedom they have never known, to be themselves, totally. To be able to tell someone hi, for the very first time. Come softly, into their lives. Like gently pushing a child on a bicycle,while they are learning to ride. They are learning to be.
And the One who watches over them all. The One who knows each one from each army, by name. He knows more about them than I do. He knows why each one was created.Why each one hid. What it will take to heal each one.He knows how we are all braided together. Knit together so long ago. He rides the journey with us. He heals us, in His time. In His glorious way. Freedom comes now, as His hands take each voice. Releasing it like a dove soaring the breadth of the heavens. He is the One who watches over us all. Holding us in His embrace. He is here.