Warning to abuse survivors-my blog may trigger flashbacks for you.
In the distance,the thunder groans.And across the night, another enemy rises and moves towards me. Then, for a time, the silence is louder than my cries, as I am abused once again. That enemy flees, but others find me. There are always other abusers to hurt me again. They leave me with my heart laying at my feet, like a rag doll, discarded. Weak and weary, I stumble to rise, like a boxer in the ring. Beaten down, bruised and broken, my screams for mercy, echo in the cold. They echo in the cold.
All my life, I’ve stumbled through icy corridors of people’s hearts. I always thought as the years and I journeyed on, hearts would become gentler, kinder, more accepting. But they’ve seemed to grow colder. Words bite viciously. Cruelty-scars. Rejected once again, I walk away, empty. The injuries caused over a lifetime, from heartless people, have carved out wounds that run deep, like glaciers carving out the land. But rare souls, who show me love, have swept across my path, filling those carved out places with healing.And as it comes, like a river, it sweeps aside some of the debris left behind.
The treasures I hold close, are the ones He has woven into the tapestry of my life. They are the few people I trust. They can wipe the tears from my eyes with one kind word. But I don’t understand why it feels like so many other hearts have shrivelled to dust. I pick many thorns out of my tapestry each day. I stand in the mud of the tear-stained dirt.And the hurt is the quicksand I struggle in.
Today, I can barely stand, after being kicked down, and having the breath knocked out of me. Speechless from pain.Washed in tears. Overwhelmed. The years of hurt, hold no words to describe it all.
And the Dream Giver says, “I am here. I hold your tears in the ocean of my heart. I know the length of the river of those tears.Through the darkness, and from the point of your pain to your eyes, they flow. Let your tears cascade to Me. Let the stream of My love flow to you. I know you are bruised and weak. I know you’ve spent a lifetime on your knees. More dreams have been swept away in floods, than words could explain.”
My Lord, it is difficult to see You, when I ache again. Sometimes, I just want to understand what all this hurting is for. Why is my heart always black and blue from abuse, from storms, from pictures others paint of me.Those pictures are so far from who I am. They are even farther from who You see me to be. And this pain blinds my eyes. It is hard to hear You over my cries. My troubles cripple me. It’s not easy to feel You near, when I am paralyzed by all I feel, all I see, and all I hear. Everything deep within me calls out to You.
“My love, My fragile one- each step you have taken through life, has formed a small, separate pane in a stained glass window. I have welded each piece together with My hands. Piece by piece, the window has been growing, over the years.Every tear you cried, created the river. Every heartache created a mountain. Each drop of darkness you went through, made the sun more brilliant. Every time you fell, a flower was created. Your sorrow, formed the blueness of the sky. Thousands of panes over the years, have been made. Still unfinished, this window is a story of your life. It is a story of My love for you, through it all. One day, that stained glass window will tower next to others, and the light will shine through. You will see that for each breath you took, I have been there. You will see, that where your heartache was, I was painting it into something beautiful.
Each agonizing step you took, formed the grass in the stained glass window. Every drop of sweat, from your struggles, formed the morning dew. The screams of your pain, created the noise of the waterfalls. The depth of your sorrow, created the oceans. Your sobs are the thunder I hear. And every leaf of every tree, full of color in autumn, is every prayer you’ve ever prayed. My love for you has always remained. It is painted on each picture on the window. So, that one day, you will see the plans I’ve had for you, so beautifully. And when every window pane is welded together; when the window is complete, My glory shall be revealed.
This is another beautifully expressed story of hope amidst the worst life offers. Thank you for your courageous example and honest expression.
What a wonderful post!
My favorite part: “Why is my heart always black and blue from abuse, from storms, from pictures others paint of me. Those pictures are so far from who I am. They are even farther from who You see me to be. ”
Amen, sis! See yourself as the beautiful picture God has painted…your stained glass window. I pray that others will see you through His eye as well. Thank you for sharing your pain and His love.
“Why is my heart always black and blue from abuse, from storms, from pictures others paint of me. Those pictures are so far from who I am. They are even farther from who You see me to be.”
This quote grips my heart. You are correct that those painful pictures are so far from who you truly are and no where near close to what the Lord sees you as.
You are love, light and a wonderful friend.
BUG *HUGS* to you!!
@spreadingJOY
I am in tears. I want to come give you a tremendous hug. I want to give you my shoulder to cry on. I want to wipe away your tears and tell you it will get better.
I do not know why those who are unkind to you cannot see your precious soul, cannot see the stains on your soul that make up your beautiful stained glass window. I know, and some others know, how special you are. I have something I’m going to send you, something the Lord said to me. You are not alone. You are loved and worthy. And beautiful!
With all my heart…
… that day is coming soon and i will continue in hope for you until then
One more time Debbie, I am seeing something coming together in these beautifully written expressions of your heart. Your pain cannot have been for nothing and the pain you suffer now is serving to push you further down this road that the Dream Giver is walking with you, to bring healing to the hearts of many. For, by not discussing in detail, the acts of our abusers and dwelling, rather, upon the river of emotion that flows through you, you have opened the doors for healing for all manner of injury that others may have suffered. Your very words have an healing effect even on my very heart each time I read what you have written. These writings are meant to bring healing to others because the Dream Giver wants to help other to dream again as well. If only we could hold you and wipe away all that you have suffered, we would. We can only love you and appreciate you in our imperfect way and know that Perfect Love is with you all the time.
Blessings, precious one.
As a stained glass window reveals many facets of the picture, you have woven so wonderfully a stained glass view of your struggles and triumphs.
The Lord is and forever will be bringing your stained glass window out into the open beauty of His love and grace shown to you that you may bring Him glory and show others the true beauty of the real you lying deep within.
Thank you so much for sharing, once again, these painful moments in your life. May He lift you up to new heights each day.
Hi, I came across your testimony early this morning (I was looking at MPD/DID) and saw this site (and realised I had visited here once or twice before).
I felt moved to spend some time in prayer for you though I’m not sure if I should even be commenting here. But today I escaped out of a potentially dangerous situation, I felt I had something to share.
The Lord Jesus asked us to be as “cunning as serpents and as harmless as doves”. This, for me, also implies we must tread very cautiously in this fallen world. We, who have been hurt in life, some emotionally, some spiritually, some physically and some uspeakably (as in your unfortunate case), need to walk with caution as potentially abusive friends, work associates, bosses and church members are drawn to us, almost inexplicably. An analogy would be to look at the way sharks are drawn to a wounded, bleeding creature, from a distance away.
So I pray that God will lead you to position yourself out of potentially dangerous situations ~ do not cast any of your precious pearls before “swine”. Intense suffering has refined you so that you are extremely compassionate and caring. But those gifts are too precious to lavish on everyone across your path, even in the name of the Lord. Guard these precious gifts in your heart and only give out as God permits, as He cannot bear to see you hurt or deceived any longer. (I’m speaking from experience and it’s taken me a loooong time to learn to hold back, especially in a Christian context).
Please forgive me if I’ve spoken out of turn, I was touched by your grief and felt a desire to pray and to encourage you to keep your guard up.
I agree with Hope (from experience too). I’m praying for you and I am very sorry for what you have received from abusive people.
Gosh, your words blow me away every time…so honest & pure. There’s a lack of that in the Body of Christ, where folks still shudder to remove their masks. We tend to hide who we are, where we’ve been, or how we feel…but you and I are loved and accepted in the Beloved, and His perfect love casts out fear. I think what Hope shared is true, too – there is wisdom in guarding our hearts when it comes to those who lack compassion, only seeking to crush us. But here, among folks who love you (and care deeply), you are f-r-e-e. You’ve been on my heart these past couple days as I’ve grappled with my own personal struggles. You may think others bless you, but oh sweetheart, YOU bless me. God uses you in quiet but astounding ways to touch others with healing grace. His heart is broken and spilt out for you, for me, for others who have been abused. I know it’s hard when the pain blinds our eyes…that’s when we know He’s keeping us, even when we don’t see. Oh wow- I’m rambling as I so often do, but remember I love you and care. I also pray for you in this journey of healing.
much love, with hugs,
Vicki
PS–was just praying that those who’ve not seen you rightly, will one day – by God’s grace – see you as we do, a precious child of His, clothed in royalty, a daughter of the Most High. He is bringing you from tragedy to triumph, from sackcloth and ashes to unspeakable joy. Thank you for sharing from the depths of your pain, yet the tenderness of the Lord’s heart for you.
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